Sometimes parents of eleven plus children have to help their children to face up to the realities of the eleven plus year. Reality does not necessarily mean stern faces, being locked up in the bedroom and being encouraged to do paper after eleven plus paper. Reality can mean the family coming together to make decisions. As soon as `the family’ face a problem in its early stages, there could be much less chance of the problem becoming an obstacle.
Suppose, for example, that you are a mother and you think that your ten year old son has a problem with communicating. You see your son with his friends, laughing, joking and making a noise. As soon as your son looks wearily at the immense pile of eleven plus books and papers you have bought for him he grows quiet and pensive.
(“What is she on about? Has she forgotten that I am only ten? I know I should never ever call my mother `she’ but even kids have limits.”)
Some mothers will see a solution in simple black and white terms. Others will feel that the word `communication’ has shades of grey. A mother might think: “I wish my son would talk to be about his concerns and worries. I know that he cares. I am sure he is bright enough. Well, we will just have to muddle through.”
Only a mother knows just why she wants her son to work seriously towards the eleven plus. She can discuss her `problem’ with her family, friends, husband and partner. A mother also has to worry about her son’s apparent withdrawal from wanting to tell her everything. The halcyon days of the six year old are gone for ever. He is growing up – but hopefully not away.
Defining the problem in explicit terms may help. Consider:
How to stop my child playing football in the house.
How to stop my child playing football while he or she should be doing eleven plus work.
Asking `”WHY?” after each problem may help.
How to stop my child playing football in the house.
Why? Because the ball may break our `things’.
New Problem: How to stop things being broken.
Possible solutions: 1. Take the ball away. 2. Distract the child with a threat or a promise. 3. Take the things away.
How to stop my child playing football while he or she should be doing eleven plus work.
Why: Because my child should be working.
New problem: My child and I are not communicating.
Possible solutions? 1. Listen lots and speak little. 2. Massive bribes. 3. “Wait till I tell your father.”
As you have may have noticed, asking `Why?” produces many more solutions.
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