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Saturday, May 10, 2008

Stimulating Eleven Plus Work

Years ago scientists discovered how to affect behaviour.

The scientists found that they could stimulate a part of an animal’s brain with a weak electric current. It would have caused a big outcry all those years ago if the electrodes had been attached to the child’s brain.

The hypothesis was that an animal could stimulate itself by pressing a lever. Rats, cats and monkeys all learnt to press a bar for instant gratification. The current went into the hypothalamus – and, in time, the animals preferred to press the lever than eat.

It might make it easier for some parents if they had access to an `Eleven Plus Lever’. We don’t want the lever to be pressed all the time – only when work is to be done.

I am sure some highly enterprising person will come up with the carefully named `Eleven Plus Work Machine’. It will be sold only through the internet – and delivery will be guaranteed within two weeks.

Image the excitement. The parcel arrives through the front door. The whole family gather round to watch the unwrapping and assembly. (It only needs batteries. Really easy!)

The proud Eleven Plus child places his or her hand on the lever.

The lights are lowered,

The family fall silent.

Mum proudly opens the Eleven Plus Verbal Reasoning paper to the right place.

Everyone takes a deep breath.

The question is read,

The lever is pressed.

Anxious looks flash round the room.

The answer is selected.

The hypothalamus throbs.

Loud cheers engulf the candidate.

Mum leans to dad: “Best money we every spent.”

Another satisfied customer!

On Monday the teacher asks: “What is that on the side of your head?”

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