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Thursday, June 28, 2007

Eleven Plus Rumours

The way rumours are sweeping the eleven plus world these days is alarming. We had a number of calls yesterday from parents who wanted to see if we could help their child towards the eleven plus. They had heard about the new program `Eleven Plus Space’.

The European Space Agency, you see, is seeking volunteers for a simulated trip to Mars. The chosen children will be isolated in a large chamber. Naturally beds, desks and other facilities will be provided at great expense. The children just won’t have much room to move around.

The benefits of `Eleven Plus Space’ are numerous. First of all there is no T.V. This means that the children have to either work on their eleven plus papers or they have to read. Naturally the children will be able to broadcast messages to their parents and tutors but they just won’t be able to watch any of their favourite T.V. shows.

The next important element of `Eleven Plus Space’ is that all of the books are uplifting in nature. The books have been specially chosen by a team of eminent eleven plus specialists. Many of the books will have a strong moral message: “Success comes through hard work” will become a mantra for the children during their period if isolation and incarceration.

All food will be carefully selected to try to ensure that the children have the best possible opportunity of living healthily. To reassure the mothers of prospective candidates the children are offered lots of greens and vegetables. The children are only allowed red meat once a week – and even then the potions sizes are carefully controlled.

Sleep is carefully regulated too. Children are not allowed to nap during the day. They have to keep bright and alive until bed time. Researchers have found that taking naps can reduce intelligence.

Naturally every child will have to follow a carefully prepared program of studies while the simulated flight takes place. Every free down load paper, every epaper, every single eleven plus publisher will represented. The one relieving factor for the children is that they will be able to alternate between doing traditional papers and multiple choice papers. This should help the boredom and test fatigue.

At this stage parents must be asking why European Community money is involved. It is simple. A Professor has found that children from selected Independent schools have a better chance of winning places in grammar school. The research also found out that the more parents paid tutors for lessons the better the chance. These two facts were brought before the attention of a commissioner of the European Union who decreed that a pilot study should be set up to investigate the effects of concentrated study on children.

Children from five other European countries will be included in the pilot study to ensure that one nation is not favoured over another. Translators from all over Europe are rubbing their hands at the idea of all those papers being translated.

And now to the entry requirements.

To wine one of the coveted places all children have to do is to complete the following statement:

“I want to pass my Eleven Plus …….. “

Judging is done by a panel drawn from all the represented countries. Late entries are not allowed. Children are only allowed to write three entries – and have to place their entries in order of importance.

Oh, one final requirement. Children will have to prove that they will be able to do complex calculations while they are weightless. Constant trips to amusement parks are both essential and recommended. Parents can apply to the European Community for a `Pre Eleven Plus Space’ grant. Details of this special offer are in all the major supermarkets.

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